Both movies have
identical storylines as the first movie. An ancient, super-powerful
Transformer knows secrets. And there is a super-powerful piece of extraterrestrial
technology, which will destroy the sun, or cause Earth to blow up, or
whatever. And Sam Witwicky is the only one who can save Earth.
These
movies do not really care about being logically consistent. A story doesn't
need to be credible, but it needs to be comprehensible. These stories are
neither. Stuff blows up well and some action shots look good, but other
than that…
Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
Earth-friendly
Transformers fighting the Decepticons to get universe domination. The existence
of the Earth is at stake. They are fighting to get the ultimate weapon – a
matrix. (No, not that matrix. This is some sort of cube).
The most
common line in the movie is "Go! Go! Go! Go!". The second most common lines are
"No! Wait!" and "Ruuun!!"
Summary of
the last hour: "Holy shit, it's a trick! Commence Operation Firestorm!"
Then Megatron goes: "DIE!" and blasts Sam. Then enters Sam's parents and btw they all go to Cheops pyramid in Egypt.
Who ever
knew that a $200-million budget could make such crap? I really liked the first
Transformers. This sequel is only noisy. A lot of the problems come with the
genre, but the lack of a decent storyline in this movie left me bored with all
the action. The (unfunny) humor is not part of the film, so much as an add-on
inserted in specific scenes. The last hour is so full of dull and monotonous
pointless action that I just kept fast-forwarding.
Grade: F
Advisory: Probably no one in the production
team had any idea of what do to with any of the characters, or how to get from
a scene to the other.
Transformers (2011): Dark of the Moon
Somewhere
after one and a half hour I realized that the movie has similarities to 怪獣総進撃 Kaijū Sōshingeki ("Destroy All
Monsters"). Aliens take control of Earth's monsters and begin using them
to destroy the human race. That movie is from 1968. This one is 43 years
younger.
The
real Apollo 11 mission is not to win the space race, but to check a crashed
alien spaceship on the moon. (Who knew?) It contains dead Autobots that have
escaped after a big war from the planet Cybertron with a (yet another) top-secret
weapon. The CIA covers everything up.
Meanwhile
in Russia, scientists have found a fuel cell from the same ship (don't ask
how!). The Soviet Union attempts unsuccessfully to use it as a power source and
cause the Chernobyl disaster. The KGB also covers everything up. (Btw, the
Hoover Dam was built for same purpose in the first Transformers movie.)
The evil
Megatron summons the evil Decepticons by tricking all nice Autobots into a
trap. He revives the über-bad Decepticon General Sentinel Prime and opens a
dimensional portal through a black hole to move Cybertron to Earth and slave the
entire human race. He sends hundreds of Decepticons to occupy earth. They start
by destroying Chicago.
Meanwhile,
our hero Sam is unemployed and frustrated with life. The President has
decorated him for saving the world, but that apparently doesn't mean anything
to future employment opportunities. Having nothing better to do, our young hero
saves the planet with his girlfriend. New leading female actor Rosie
Huntington-Whitely, who makes her counterpart Megan Fox in the two first movies seem like Katharine Hepburn, spends the final hour of the movie looking as
though she's ready to have a nervous breakdown. Lucky thing all villains always
must proclaim something before they start to kill somebody. That gives plenty
of time for the heroes to act. Phew.
I have some
objections. As an evil genius it's understandable that you want to achieve
global domination. Building, arming and firing your ultimate super-weapon is
the most important objective you'll have. But what would have actually happened
had a planet the size of Cybertron suddenly materialized and entered earth's
orbit? You would have only a couple of minutes to live before they collided due
to gravity. Those minutes would be filled with uncontrollable natural
disasters. If you want 7 billion people for the sole purpose of slave labor,
you should probably think about that.
Grade: F
Advisory:
The stupid things people constantly say. Constantly!